The glorious chaos of inexpert defending in the Premier League . Ah, Bank Holiday Mondays—the customary parade of dreadfully overcooked sausages, perilously undercooked chicken legs, and foolish vegetable experiments. And on Monday, the Premier League’s magnificent jumble of inept defending equaled the glorious chaos of inept barbecue chefs, with 21 goals squirted across three exciting matches like a flood of lighter fluid across a rack of stubborn briquettes. In the opening game, Leicester added another lowpoint to their disastrous season at Craven Cottage, the 5-3 scoreline being deceived by a handful of late goals as Fulham eased off the gas. As the embers started to ignite and a few exploratory sausages were despatched to a fiery grave. James Maddison groaned, stretching that specific term further than it usually would be used. “It’s been one of those seasons,” he said. We have ourselves to blame because we weren’t good enough today.
Three of the four clubs behind them still had games left, leaving the Foxes perilously positioned outside the drop zone. The moment for Everton’s seemingly annual late-season relegation swerve arrived as grills across the nation reached that tiny window of just the right temperature for even cooking. Everton ran riot at the Amex to defeat high-flying Brighton 5-1 in the most unlikely outcome of the day and secure their first away victory since the beginning of October. Even Sean Dyche, who is often measured, lost himself: “I was delighted,”
The glorious chaos of inexpert defending in the Premier League
A Morgan Gibbs-White-inspired Nottingham Forest beat Southampton 4-3 in the evening game, leaving the Saints in need of a miracle and Rben Selles pondering his future as the ashes cooled and the optimists among us threw on a couple of bananas wrapped in silver foil that no one wants and no one will eat. He cried, sounding very much like a man who wouldn’t be at the club for much more than the next 10 days. “I would be happy to be here for the next 10 years,” he said. “I gave it my best effort. But that choice is not mine to make. The club must make a decision.
All of this ran the risk of obscuring the Championship’s equally tantalizing final day, where Millwall, Coventry, Sunderland, West Brom, and Blackburn competed for the final two playoff berths. At the Den, Millwall was leading Rovers 3-1 at the half and looking to move up to fifth place. However, the Black Cats came back to upset Millwall 4-3 and join Coventry in the top six. Sunderland manager Tony Mowbray yelled, “If you finish sixth after 46 games, that’s where you deserve to finish!”
